What You Need To Know About Food That MF DOOM Gets Wrong
A lot of hip-hop guys seem to be really into comic books — kind of weird for guys in a profession where being cool is part of the job…
A lot of hip-hop guys seem to be really into comic books — kind of weird for guys in a profession where being cool is part of the job description. The Wu-Tang Clan display encyclopedic knowledge of them throughout their ranks: Ghostface Killah goes by Tony Starks, while Method Man is Johnny Blaze. Bunch of fucking nerds.
Which brings us to Daniel Dumile, better known as MF DOOM. Dumile’s hip-hop alter-ego features him wearing a mask modeled after one worn by the perpetual thorn in the side of the Fantastic Four: Doctor Victor Von Doom.
There’s room for creative license, but twisting the facts of reality to serve a purpose is not something we at The Shocker can get behind. This piece will serve as an explainer of the true nature of food reality. And so we say to that lie-machine MF DOOM: Choke on this.
“Beef Rapp” — He starts by describing beef that could cause your teeth to get tapped. An idiotic assertion. If you can break your teeth on beef, you’re either not cooking it enough or cooking it too much. It could also be from not drinking enough milk. He clearly doesn’t know the proper way to drink it, as he discusses taking it out of the toilet. No thank you, that’s disgusting and unsanitary. No wonder he doesn’t show his face. He’s too ashamed.
“Hoe Cakes” — What does a yard tool have to do with eating? Yes, they are a necessary evil for tilling the soil and making sandwich toppings that can be discarded because you’re better than eating fucking rabbit food. But then he talks about getting cookies from Mr. Hooper. I’ll ignore his cynical reference to the Sesame Street character to note something much more important: Cookies👏Are👏Not👏Cakes👏! And then he talks about food in a sexual connotation. You, sir, are not Marlon Brando in Last Tango In Paris. Keep the grocery store out of your bedroom.
“Potholderz” — I was going to write something but then he drops a Hitler reference and I lost all interest in continuing to analyze the lyrics. It demeans real internet arguments to bring up Hitler in something as meaningless as a rap song. Do better, Mr. Dumile.
“One Beer” — He thinks he’s clever opening his “song” by cribbing lyrics directly from “I Get A Kick Out Of You.” Most music fans will think he’s a genius, but only the truly intelligent will know he’s just ripping off people. This song promotes a form of drinking I can’t abide. The only acceptable way to drink alcohol is during communion at church, or with your old man because it removes your inhibitions so you don’t clam up.
“Deep Fried Frenz” — This has nothing to do with food whatsoever. Dumile continues to show what a total charlatan he is. I regret embarking on this project.
“Gumbo” — This is a type of hip-hop I can get behind, as it has a real positive message: Take good care of your teeth and gums. That’s something everyone needs to hear. Gingivitis and other mouth diseases can really ravage your health. A healthy and clean mouth means a healthy and clean life. Though the fact that he may be a Doctor himself makes me suspicious that this is a British Dental Association psy-op. I will listen to the rest of this album wearing a tinfoil coating on my body, just so nothing funny happens.
“Fig Leaf Bi-Carbonate” — This is coming from a place of ignorance, but I do think this song is suggesting the imbibing of a controlled substance. I’ve seen enough movies featuring Seth Rogen in a lead role (often while getting with conventionally attractive women due to no notable quality of his own) to know something is up. My suspicious of MF DOOM continues to grow, though that could merely be paranoia from the brownie with a weird texture my roommate gave me a half-hour ago.
“Kon Karne” — Another example of him straying from the food theme. There is a character with the name of Kon Karne in this song — that’s about it.
“Guinnesses” — This song condones drinking to escape from your problems, which is nothing I can get behind. Instead you should repress everything that pains you and and release those feelings in other ways, like slashing the tires of the guy who stole the parking space you wanted at the mall.
“Kon Kueso” — There is some serious culinary confusion here: discussion of beef patties, a staple of Jamaican cuisine, and con queso, a part of Mexican cuisine. This is not the sort of fusion style anyone with a discerning palate should seek out. Seems like a way to fill up on empty calories of grease and fat. Doesn’t take talent to make something like that taste good. (That’s why bacon is so popular with plebs.)
“Rapp Snitch Knishes” — Some thematic unity! A knish is very similar to a Jamaican beef patty, though the fillings can vary beyond meat and the knish itself can be savory or sweet. I applaud MF DOOM for making that connection in the sequencing. Knishes are a staple of Eastern European Jewish cuisine.
“Vomitspit” — Finally, a cost to all this talk of food and consumption of it. Gluttony is one of the venial sins and it’s something that plagues our society in its current iteration. There’s so much emphasis on maintaining a certain level of comfort, and part of that comfort involves food. You know a society is truly gone when in its excess its denizens vomit up food only to clear room for more, as the Romans did near the end of their godless existence.
“Kookies” — This song suffers from some of the same problems as “Hoe Cakes,” as the focus is not on cookies but on cakes. But to his credit, he rectifies that with a discussion of Girl Scout cookies. But then he ruins that by launching into soliloquies on other junk foods! Maybe it’s a British thing and their tendency to change the meaning of English on a whim. But I’m just happy to be done. I will never listen to another rap album again apart from the Hamilton soundtrack.
In conclusion, MF DOOM doesn’t know a fucking thing about food. The Shocker, however, does. And we should be the only source of information you turn to. We’re the only ones with the gumption to tell you the truth or lie straight to your face if we can’t figure something out. That’s the kind of boldness you need in a news leader.